(S)he's a Brick

And I'm drowning slowly

Look, I'm need to get my self figured out. But, I can't do that until I get this resolved. Not because it's all encompassing or enveloping, but because it's the one thing that I can pin-point as wrong. It's the one thing that I know, I know is helping me ruin myself. I have to at least address this before I can focus.

I'm tired of being miserable, and you my darling, make me just that. As much as I enjoy spending time with you, all of that time, it's makes me joyless. I feel nothing most of the time. And you cure that. Not just you, of course, all my boys here. This house, the people here make me happy and alive. It's a hard thing for me to find nowadays. But, you also make me feel so bad. I can't keep doing this.

I know that there's no going back. I know I can be exhausting. I know that. I exhaust myself.

But

I need you to hear me out, and if you have a reaction, anything, any words at all, I'd die to hear them. I need to know I'm not talking to a wall here.
There is no return to whatever it was and I'm pretty sure we wouldn't go back even if we could. I know I'm not them. The Click, Worth Your Time, Blitz, any of them. And I know, and appreciate that I have a seperate part of your life. It's that that I'm afraid of losing. But I also know you're never going to make me worth your time. You are never going to hold my hand or take me to a movie or tell people about me. I know and am doing my best to accept that. But I'm so conflicted. I don't want to keep losing bits and pieces of you, not to them, not to anyone, but not surrendering those same parts is killing me.

Fucking daggers, right?

As happy as it makes me to spend the night in your bed, on your couch, in your arms anywhere, I die in the morning. When you leave to answer the phone, when you roll over in your sleep to answer a message from someone else. Don't you see?

I meant to start all of this with something else. I meant to tell you I'm in love and I hate you. That's all there really is.