Reasons I am tired

I am tired being 'there for you' when you aren't for me. I am exhausted by your inability (or refusal) to return my investment. I spend so much of my time worrying about you, about whether or not this is worth the pain only I seem to suffer. Yes, this is presumptous, yes, this is selfish. I know, and I'm sorry.
But I'm tired of having to apologize everytime I have a reaction. I'm so tired of feeling wrong. This doesn't matter to you. I hate being the only one who has to fight. Fight for whatever it is we're clinging to. Moderating the fight between my mind and my heart. Yes, this is dramatic. I know that too. But really, at worst this stresses you out. Poor thing. I sympathize but I feel like I'm holding you back from what you want to be, who you want to be with and that's not fair, but more to my concern, I'm holding myself back too. Not from some great mythical joy, but from feeling anything other than hurt. Or anger. I don't want to do this anymore and I wont. I hate having to sacrafice my friendship with you, or the others, but I cannot, will not, continue this. I don't have the strength. And I don't know where to find more. It doesn't seem to matter to you, to affect you at all, and here I am, beating myself up over it all. I'm tired of being the one to blame. I don't know if your silence is cruel or kind. You will let me walk away and it won't hurt you at all. In fact, it's probably somewhat of a relief. It must be. That's the story.

For Mr. B

Look, can I just be totally honest with you? I swear that this isn't the same talk we've had a thousand times, it may seem that way, but hear me out, this one, this one is unique. You are one my best friends and as such, time with you is one of the things in my increasingly dreary life that makes me happy. But that goes for all the boys. Whatever happened, happened a long time ago and I'm not, like, waiting around for you to fall in love with me or something. The only reason that things went the way they did was because I was afraid of losing you. Of losing this friendship we've tried to hard to salvage. And yeah, sure I'm still afraid of losing that, of course I am, but the longer I stay here, in whatever limbo this is, the more I lose my mind. And friend, I love you, but I love me more and I gotta find someway to be sane again. I'm coming at life with all this baggae and excess and dark shit and I don't wanna do it anymore. I'm not even talking about the physical slipups we keep having, the mistakes there. I mean, I know why I keep letting that happen, why I keep encouraging that. You're not stupid, you know. But, I can't figure out what keeps you here. I don't know if you're bored, or lonely, if you just wanna feel like a man, or what. But you treat me like a convience. Like, when you need a warm body, for whatever your reason is, I know you don't want me, but I've told you a thousand times I'd never tell you no. I don't know why you keep coming back to it, and frankly, if it's any of those reasons, I don't wanna know. I could be wrong, hope I am, but unless you correct me, I'll assume I'm not.
So, I gotta go, I can't keep doing this to myself, keep humiliating myself for you. You'll ask me to leave eventually so it might as well be on my own terms.

Things to Remember

'I have to read my phone, you can wait'

Of course, darling, I'm always waiting.

'I meant, you guys...'

Not even on the back burner anymore, eh?

'Shutup, that's not what I meant'

All of this is of course covered in smiles and laughter, but I didn't want to forget all the clever little quips and rude asides. All in the name of friendship....

(S)he's a Brick

And I'm drowning slowly

Look, I'm need to get my self figured out. But, I can't do that until I get this resolved. Not because it's all encompassing or enveloping, but because it's the one thing that I can pin-point as wrong. It's the one thing that I know, I know is helping me ruin myself. I have to at least address this before I can focus.

I'm tired of being miserable, and you my darling, make me just that. As much as I enjoy spending time with you, all of that time, it's makes me joyless. I feel nothing most of the time. And you cure that. Not just you, of course, all my boys here. This house, the people here make me happy and alive. It's a hard thing for me to find nowadays. But, you also make me feel so bad. I can't keep doing this.

I know that there's no going back. I know I can be exhausting. I know that. I exhaust myself.

But

I need you to hear me out, and if you have a reaction, anything, any words at all, I'd die to hear them. I need to know I'm not talking to a wall here.
There is no return to whatever it was and I'm pretty sure we wouldn't go back even if we could. I know I'm not them. The Click, Worth Your Time, Blitz, any of them. And I know, and appreciate that I have a seperate part of your life. It's that that I'm afraid of losing. But I also know you're never going to make me worth your time. You are never going to hold my hand or take me to a movie or tell people about me. I know and am doing my best to accept that. But I'm so conflicted. I don't want to keep losing bits and pieces of you, not to them, not to anyone, but not surrendering those same parts is killing me.

Fucking daggers, right?

As happy as it makes me to spend the night in your bed, on your couch, in your arms anywhere, I die in the morning. When you leave to answer the phone, when you roll over in your sleep to answer a message from someone else. Don't you see?

I meant to start all of this with something else. I meant to tell you I'm in love and I hate you. That's all there really is.

You All E'v'body

"You are everybody. In some area of your life, you are a killer, a crook, a liar and a whore. You are a genius, a god and pure. You are everything. There goes a man who is going to be killed. There goes you. Somewhere, you are that man."